Well hello there! Yes, I am still alive!! My apologies for the radio silence, this year has been rather difficult (as it has been for many others) and every time I came on here to write, I just stared at the page!
But I'm here now and very much alive!
So, first things first. I am shutting this site down now and moving my blog over to my Instagram. I post more often on there and think it will be easier to just add my blogs there instead. My account links to my Facebook page so have no fear those who aren't on insta, you will not be left behind! Right, now all the housekeeping is done we can move on...
A few months after my last blog back in March, we found out we were expecting again and along with that came excitement as well as a whole lot of fear. As a mum, new or old, you go into pregnancy knowing about the risks of miscarriage etc. but until you have experienced that, it just doesn't seem real. Yes, obviously miscarriage is real but you never think it will happen to you, well that's what I was like anyway! So this time round there was a whole lot of fear and anxiety mixed in with a little bit of excitement.
God had a different plan in store for us again though and in July we found out our precious baby's heart had stopped beating. So another blow to the gut. We went through another traumatic miscarriage and I ended up hospitalised overnight this time.
I know that in both my miscarriages, God had his hand of protection over me. I was filled with so much peace and kept safe during both of these experiences and I am forever grateful that I get to be here today with my husband and 3 amazing children.
Does it suck? Yes.
Would I rather hide in bed all day? Some days, yes, let's be real here.
Do I imagine what it would be like everyday with my precious angel babies here? Of course I do. Knowing I will never get to have those loving cuddles, kissing their wrinkly forehead, hearing their laugh, seeing them smile. It sucks, but I must learn to be content with what I have here now and turn my focus to the One who loves me the most; God.
I am reminded daily of the wonderful blessings I have in my 3 living children. Their laughter, tears and screams all remind me that I am here and alive. Things could have gone a different way and both miscarriages were very traumatic; medically, physically and emotionally. But God had the whole thing covered, from start to end. He never intended me to hurt like this but He did allow it to happen, and for that I am thankful.
This might be hard for some to hear but I truly am thankful for my experiences. Because of these, I got to give two more pieces of my heart to two more precious babies. I got to love them and will forever love them until I get to meet them one day in Heaven. And I know that God will be able to use me somehow, someday, for His glory because of what I have been through.
Would I like to have my why's answered? Yes, but I cannot live my life wondering why.
For now, I am trying to be content in who I am now; a mama to 3 beautiful children; a wife to a fantastic husband who serves and leads our family in the Lord's ways; and me, a woman who is walking the path which God has laid before her, whatever that may entail.
Everything does happen for a reason and, although it might hurt us emotionally and physically, it will only make us stronger in the end. Everyone's journey is different and everyone's journey of healing will take different lengths of time. If you're struggling today, whatever that may look like, just know that you are not alone. Let yourself heal. Grief looks different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
And above all, let people in. It doesn't matter who it is, but opening your heart, after whatever situation you might find yourself in, will help you on that first step to recovery.
Remember, you've got this and God is carrying you the entire way, whether you see it or not. Trust Him. And don't forget I'm here if you want to chat.
See you on the gram...